Kahan tum chalay gaye ..


Allah swt knows us best.. He knew I am in need of two sets of parents, so I was blessed with two. . I have already written a lot about mommy, so in this blessed month, I have garnered some courage to speak of those last few days I have the privilege of spending with her, and also some tit bits about fathers as it is the month of Ramdan and month of fathers as well. She was with me in UAE for the last 3 months before she returned unwillingly back home on 30th November, and the same night she got sick enough to be taken to AKUH E.R, I took the 1st available flight and headed straight to the hospital around 4:00 a.m 2nd Dec 2015 (UAE National day), as usual mum was being all witty lying in the E.R bed, all smiles that am back with her, she was cluelessly clued in to my turmoil the past 24hours I had been through since she had left me alone at the merciless hands of people she thought she could entrust my future in the hands of.. anyhow since she was a diabetic, heart patient living on a pacemaker since 2008 almost, she had all sorts of illnesses mentionable and her hearing issue as well, yet she would probably be the most fun and lively person in the Special Care Unit room or any kind of emergency ward, she would mock other patients, and joke with the nurses, always precise about her hygiene and appearance, yep.. I even applied face mask to her after a head wash a few days prior to her demise, she was epic in every sense. A small blister turned into a life threat thanks to the corrupt doctors/butchers at the darn hospital/slaughterhouse, nonetheless I raised my voice as and how I possibly could, I was anyway awake for almost 5 consecutive days, their bloody negliengince sent her to the SCU (to milk more bills and to almost kill her with extremely high heart rate, still my mommy only said Jo ALLAH swt ki marzi, and all she wanted was to leave that space and head back to her room, as the dying people around her were upsetting her, eventually after 11 days almost, I decided to bring her home, if she had to go she must go from her own house, not from a hospital bed, I felt. Anyway, we had two nurses and endless medication for her at home for a few weeks, I didn’t know what sleep meant, in between sheet changes, oxygen support, 24/7 alert and her bandage changes, we did play ludo in between and watch some movies (she would call my name at odd hours, while the nurses slept.. Nazo .. Nazo.. and all she wanted to assure was that, I was there, such an attention seeker.) Mommy had told me that she was going to go a day before, on Thursday, apparently she had recited her kalma, surah fatiha, we did allah hu wird together, and all she was concerned about was me.. how was I going to be.. we had seen my mother’s funeral together at Malir on 5th Rabbi ul Awwal 2011, after which I even burnt myself with boiling water, and never attended the chelum, we saw daddy’s departure on 18th Ramzan 2002, I underwent 2 years of post depression headaches and their treatment later on, I got him admitted at the hospital and without much turmoil he passed away within a few hours of coming home, mommy.. today the 5th of ramzan.. my father is his last days.. I miss you, I don’t like hospitals, I don’t like people telling me that, I am going .. don’t cry, it breaks my heart, I don’t like reacting in front of other people, I don’t like watching people go. Mommy, I need you. . your nurse said she hadn’t seen anyone like me in her 9year career, someone who did not leave the bed for 30 days, did not leave my mother’s side for a blink, I was fired by Damac on the 7th Dec 2015 (my daddy’s birthday), the least of my concern, but was a big deal though yeah?.. she said you have lost everything and you are here.. I said ..my mom is my everything, I am here for my everything.

 I recite Quran for you, I wash your place, clean it myself, I do what I know how to do, prayers for you, Umrah for you, I give what I am capable of giving for you, yet you do not talk to me.. WHY ?? no dreams, no presence.. why ?? don’t I do enough? Don’t you like what I do? Don’t u see I need you…… I do know 1 thing.. I have sent you happy with me.. that is my only achievement in this lifetime !! I do not love another being like I love you.. I have a tiny heart and I am tired of burying my parents.. there are two sides of having two sets, the most luv and the most pain of loss.

 These days aulad is the biggest aazmaish, parents have become a burden and I feel heartbroken.. the VALUE of a parent has become in accordance to their wealth, I am so sad, that we do not have any worth for this blessing in our life. Please soften your hearts and have some fear of ALLAH swt.

Ask me… I have lost both my mothers, my father, my child, my husband… I am on the verge of losing my father again today.. this is LIFE .. and life is shorter than we imagine..




Mitti kumhaar ki …


The master is always seeking the pupil but shall only appear once the pupil is ready, for some of us just our preparation takes form of our entire journey, and few rare spiecies tread the path of the forbidden worlds..they are seeking what no one can offer them .. unless HE takes them in HIS light ..


Jab bashar ki asl haqeeqat hai hi khaaqi, abad se azal tak, jab milna hi hai khuld mai sirf rabb ki ibadat aur us ki pechan ki khatir, jab aik baatin aur zahir hasti ka khalifa hai us ki behtareen takhleeq, aik nutfay se alaq se .. aik mohtaaji ki halat se laut ke aik mohtaji ki halat se guzar ke .. aik mohtaaji ki halat main lautna hai akhir.. toh phir yeh tamasha kyun akhir..??

Na kuch laye thay tum aur na hi sath le jaogay .. na kuch khoya hai tum ne na hi tum kuch is dunya e faani se pao gaye.. jab tanhai hi asl e hayaat hai toh phir shor o ghul o wehshat kyun barpa hai har su ?? yeh mohabbat.. yeh banawat .. yeh rasumaat .. sab dhong hai .. azmaish hai.. sab logon ka yahan khush rehnna hai manna.. sab tamasha hai aur tamashaiee hain .. sab dost hain .. aur sab hain ahl e veeran o mehfil .. har simtt bichi hai pardah fehm aik ajab si ronak .. behadh masnooiee hai aur hadh darja hairaan kun .. kya hum ko yaad hai haqeeqat e kun faya kun ??
itni mushaqat k baad bhi kamaye na kuch amaal .. jo jana hai saman sath mere .. mujh se qabl o mere baad ..
akhir meri zaat main simat chuki hai zaat e khaliq .. jab tu hi raziq tu hi malik .. toh dunya mai jehad kyun akhir ?? sab k sath rehna.. sath chalna.. parhna .. seekhna.. barhna .. badalna .. aur phir tujh ko haasil kar lena .. us ke baad is dunya se jee uth jaye .. oop jaye toh .. kaise lautay hum in andheri rahon main ??

Yeh dunya kehnay nahi deti .. sehnay nahi deti .. ronay nahi deti .. jhoot kehay .. jhoot sun’nay.. fareb khaye .. dhokay de .. aur phir yeh shikwa.. ke humara kasoor kya hai ??
jo shaks apne andar se nikal ke phir khud mai dakhil ho jaye.. jo dunya ka ban ke bhi.. logon mai reh k bhi .. apne hi wajd mai samaye.. aise insan ko aam log pagal kaha kartay hain .. kuch log malang kehtay hain aur kuch deewana .. lekin jab tak yeh raaz us ki zubaan pen a aye who is dhongi dunya ke tareekay pe chalta jaye .. tab tak us ko maushra kabool karta hai ..
jis baat pen a ho dil raazi .. na rabb raazi ..

Who log jo alag rah khoj’tay hain .. aam se alag sochtay hain .. woh tanhaye’on k baasi ho jatay hain .. jin rooh tar hona chahaye .. woh shor o ghul or dikhawaye se bezaar ho jatay hain .. yeh kya moajra hai .. yeh ajab maumla hai .. jawab jaantay nahi .. aur talash rawaan hai .. kaun hain yeh log .. jo mujh jaise ban jatay hon .. jo apne aap ko kho na chahain .. aur kya janay kya sukoon patay hon .. ?? yeh mitti ka khumhaar hi janay in mitti kahan ki mitti hai … … justuju jaari hai .. jab tak jaan hain .. yeh manzilain hain ishq ki .. yahan har qadam pe manzil bhi aur koi manzil ka nishan bhi nahi ..


The Gifted Woman

Nisa fell down the stairs with each tumble she came closer to her near-death experience, well her entire life span like a thousand light jolts in her head and one specific flashback was that day she had lost her self in her own eyes, it was easy to sum up this little angel’s life in two words, she was a profound person with a heart of gold and a temper like a volcano. It was not too long ago when she had found the man of her dreams, but like all love stories this one was short-lived as they always are, he was already married to another woman, and since it was a childhood marriage, nothing could be done to undo this socio-politically bonded relation which unlike hers was not stemmed out of sheer love and the desire to be with this one man had led her life into the most turbulent of affairs of which Nisa had no even dreamt.
It was in her heart of hearts the ardent desire to tell her lover at least once that she was in absolute awe of his persona and loved him dearly, though she agreed that their alliance could never have been possible, she stepped into his den, as he turned with this glisten on his face, the dark fiery eyes and yet a hazy smile sat on that glowing rounded face, “I believe you are here with an important agenda, how may I be of service to you?”, “I have come here with one pivotal fact to be disclosed to you, though it may not appear appropriate, I am madly in love with you, since the day I sat my eyes on your soul, I have desired to be your bride till death do us part.”, to my sheer surprise, he did not seem displeased at my revelation, nor appeared surprised, as I stood with a heart that pounded like a million elephants running amidst the nightfall, he spoke in the most beautiful deep baritone voice, “Nisa, my dear, I love you as much as you do, since we were children but only today have I understood the meaning of love as I no longer have the ability to live falsely created relationships as real anymore”, to both our alarming dismay, entered his sly wife who had heard every word of our expressions, without a blink of an eye, she started cursing and ranting away as if she were the victim, rather a villain to my eyes, she pushed Nisa down the stairs and here she was breathing her final breath, at the feet of her beloved, who could only stand aimlessly and wish he had expressed his true love with the capability of fulfilling his true dreams, but not all men that look strong may end up being as they appear, this man was a weak person, a coward who could not save his love or his beloved, or his own self from the harm his soul caused so many people.
Nisa’s last words were,”I shall await you in the next life, as your woman”. indeed this young lady was a gifted woman, she bore the gift of unconditional giving and loving, with no returns.


This short paragraph is my final assignment for my “Creative Writing” course, I guess I was not inspired enough but I need the following answers;

What did you think of my main character’s actions?” Or : “Were there any parts that seemed confusing or hard to follow?”

Tu kuja man Kuja


They say .. thy LORD resides in you heart .. then go ahead and break my heart anyway .. they say HE created my face HIMSELF, yet they discriminate me on the basis of color, they say the Quran covers my head, somehow I have been left unveiled, they say I am so pure once I die, neither man nor my child can hug me again, yet they leave me behind as if there were no relation holding us together.. THEY say.. within the realm of TRUTH .. there is no THEY, there only lies the whisperers. In life there came a time when i seeked within instead of validation from those who matter not, I closed my eyes & shut my ears, to hear my voices of self, there lied sublimity and divine proximity..what I sought what seeking me as well (Rumi).

Having studied many forms of self development, ascribed as the KHUDI school of thought by Iqbal, I read Rumi, Khalil Gibran and many derveshes hoping my master shall seek me as well, they say when the student is ready the master appears.

Like an onion i try unfolding the drapes of dirt over my soul, my relentless search goes on in hope & despair. The moment I live in the NOW and try to let go of the dominant “I” in my SELF .. I believe I shall be greeted by the SELF, I — as absolute, alone, dire in need of being succumbed to its own vices, the EGO, (NAFS) the greatest war since decades has always been between the NAFS & KHUDI, it was never about THEM (the people) nor the whisperer (SATAN), it was forever YOU and I ..

Meri khush qismati main tera ummati ………. tere gun aur yeh labb …. main talab hi talab ….

Whichever state we live, so shall we perish in the same… well my sole hope and reliance shall as always be to come victorious and find ME …

Amal ki mere asaas kya hai … ba’juz nadamat k paas kya hai ????

Rahay salamat tumhari nisbat … mera toh ik aasra yehi hai ..